He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
