I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
