he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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