you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
