Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
