i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
