If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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