i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
