My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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