Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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