I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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