Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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