I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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