I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
