My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
