Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
