I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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