if you like me you must not know who I am
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
