Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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