Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I want a musical about memes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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