Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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