The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
