I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
