I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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