in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
