No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
