sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
