So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How's work?
Spinning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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