don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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