i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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