I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
