my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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