I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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