So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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