I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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