I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
