i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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