last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
4 words: hood of his car
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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