im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
