Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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