he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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