She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
