I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
