If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
