can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
