just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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