Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
