seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
