I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
