You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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