I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When are your genitals available?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
