Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
