you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
