So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
