dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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